so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
