He asked me if I "almost moaned"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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