Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
