ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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