and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
