I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
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Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
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