Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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