I'm going to rape someone's good day.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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