apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
