you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
