what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
