Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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