We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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