I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
