billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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