I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
