are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
we should paint friendship bongs
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