i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
