But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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