Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
