just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
