did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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