he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
