Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
