You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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