So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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