guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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