last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
