And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
