So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
