I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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