I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
pop tarts are not kleenex
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
