FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
