Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
