recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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