He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
