i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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