don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
