I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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