I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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