my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
