Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

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(914): View more from New York

I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts

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(312): View more from Illinois

Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.

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(212): View more from New York

Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?

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(647): View more from Ontario

HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE

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(712): View more from Iowa

I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on

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(256): View more from Alabama

I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.

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(330): View more from Ohio

AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???

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