Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
