1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
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Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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