I'm really into asian looking animals
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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