I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
