Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
