My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
