i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
