You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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