I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
