Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
