Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You are a genius and a whore.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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