i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
