The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize
