I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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