Michael Bay diarrhea
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
