I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
