i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
