why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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