and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
