i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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