never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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