sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
