i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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