who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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