Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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